It's raining. It's pouring ___shut the fruck up!

CAREERS DAY.

The eventful outing where we walk around to various stalls, which symbolise possible futures (or lack of) and ask questions on stuff.

How enlightening.

David and my pretended to want to be mid-wifes.

I asked at the Defence Force seminar whether they made all entrants pass a pysch-test.

We got free candy.

I talked to a guy from UNSW who is doing International Studies. Economics can be damned! He says it's useful but you don't really need it.

The rain was relentless. We were cold and starving by the time we reached the Youth Centre. When everyone's uniform is wet and we gather in a warm, sheltered area is smells like wet cat. Or dog. Maybe a mix.

I think today was depressing. It was almost like window shopping. Which is always depressing. Why the hell would staring at things you probably can't have make you feel good?

We walked around and asked questions. I guess the point at where I felt a bit blue. Maybe I'm aiming too high.

After I lost interest in researching and picking up pretty pamphlets, I started looking at the people around me. They weren't from my school. I didn't know them. I didn't know how smart they were. What subjects they did. What they were aiming for. But it got to me. It got to me that this is a small taste of what I'm up against. Something I don't know. That's what was so daunting. It was a small taste of what next year would be like and it pissed me off I began questioning myself. That maybe no matter how far you reach, you'll pull a muscle and fail.

After dinner I talked to Sally and Amanda on the phone. Panda had to go off to dinner but me and Sally stayed on and we just talked. Then we got onto the topic of graduating and how we didn't want to. That High School isn't as shit as we claim it to be. Sefton is a dump, but it's a place I've gotten attatched too. This disgusts me. My year 7 mindset would never be saying this shit. I think when the Year 12's graduate this year, I'll actually cry. Not for them, but for selfish me. Because reality is catching up to me.

So I guess today marks a turning point. It's sinking in. I'm growing up.

What do I have to guide me? A crappy Western Sydney calico bag, a bunch of shiny booklets on high-demand university courses and that girl who looks back at me in the mirror.

Roll. Roll. Roll Faster.

The PE staffroom, notably a great percentage of the teachers occupying it, should REALLY try and have a much more organised way of signing out students during wet weather.

Their attempts and keeping peace and 'effectively' signing all Year 11 out today was truly pathetic.

I partly blame the students behaviour themselves. We want to leave. We want out names signed off. We're selfish enough to push and shove. Logically - we want the administrative shit over and done with so we can happily skip away (into the rain).

I also blame the weather. But at this point in time, we truly need the rain so in all honesty - the clouds are whole heartedly invited to dump sheets of rain.

WHY do the PE staff NEED to work out a better way to sign-out students?

- Because it would decrease the number of students pushing, shoving, getting injured and getting very pissed.

- Because it would mean people actually sign off their own name and not make some poor prat do it for them.

- This then would allow much more accurate records.

- It could be done faster, more efficiently and wouldn't be so time consuming.

- The teachers and students lunch time would not be wasted.

- Beacuse the PE staff should learn to exercise their authority over the students in such a way that it is not degrading to the students, such as not making them feel like sheep herding closer and closer to the pathetic pieces of paper.


HOW can the PE staff attempt to better this awful situation?

- Inform the students to line up in ALPHABETICAL order.

- Have clearly labelled tables for last name groups. Such as 'A-F' etc.

- Have atleast three to four pens tied to the tables by string.

- Do not herd the students OUTSIDE, into the rain (which they were meant to stay out of in the first place) instead, utilise the hallway OR

- Whilst the OLD LIBRARY is not in use, set up the signing-out tables THERE instead.

- However if this is not possible, then locate the sign-out sheets on tables SPACED OUT in the A Block hallway.


Why did Bianca bother to have a rant about this?

Beacuse she truly thinks the present system is pathetic.

Tales of Time and Space.

Things I wish for -

- A magical solution to Sydney's depleting water supply.
- Stockings which actually insulate and keep you warm. Also, holeproof, yet still sheer would be magnificent.
- A hair brush that does not collect hair in between it's teeth (those sticky thingys).
- Less reality television. Bring back the talent.
- A poem that has the whole world inside it.
- Apple pies. With a quota of atleast four a day.
- Harsher penalties for large scale white-collar crimes.
- More political balance between Liberal and Labor Parties in the Senate.
- No more controlled writing tasks for class. Economics be damned.
- A wider selection of books in our School Library.
- A large map of the world for my bedroom wall.
- Grape juice. Lots and lots of grape juice.
- Appropriate heating in all classrooms, minus the leaking gas.
- A dust free room.
- Less expensive University fees.
- An egalitarian society - politically and socially.

Waking up.

EVALUATE THE IMPACT ON THE AUSTRALIAN ECONOMY OF THE RECENT INDUSTRIAL RELATION CHANGES.

Note to self - answer this within 48 hours.





I finished my first draft for my Fidel Castro speech today. Did it suck. It was overboard the time limit. There was no flow. No flair. No reason for people to even want to listen. Still, I had fun answering the question "Do you think this leader was a great leader? Explain your answer" - I jumped straight into that, raving on and on about what greatness is and why history might absolve Fidel Castro.

I don't know why I picked to dress up as a MALE. Maybe because of the lack of female political leaders. ARGH. I draw the line at wearing the beard.



The truth -

I like the smell of new carpet.




Today is not a special day.

Tommorow is not going to be a specal day.

I don't know what special is anymore.

This can't be as good as it gets.

Not yet anyway.

Phat Crew. (Phat Chance?)

It's OVER.

We did it.

Now we have to worry about the finals =p.

Thank you to all the people who supported us :)

Moving on...

Today was 'Cross Roads Talk Day' - the most BORING day where we learn about drugs and how to say no.

It's practically a re-vamp of all the stuff we learnt in yr 7 and 8. It was fun when Heng 'pretended' to be a pot-head and we had an intervention.

I'm currently eating cold porridge. Why? Because I only had time to eat a muffin today.

Today during our oh-so-enlightening discussions, Ms Manno mentioned something about how writing down your goals helps you for your future. Maybethere is some truth in this. Or in reality, I'll look back at this in five years time and realise what a failure I've become. Oh Well.

Dear Bianca,

You know what you want. You've thought about it alot. Maybe you're too insecure that you can't disclose what you REALLY want to me at the moment. Maybe you'll never get it. Hah! TAKE THAT.

But on a brighter note, I wish you all the best - for whatever the hell it is you truly want. Write to me again when you get it.

Yours Sincerely,

Bianca.

Apple Pie Days.

Cold.

Brain numbingly - cold.

Winter. Sucks.

Tommorow is it. We have todance. HAVE TO. Nobacking out now. Hope all goes well. Hope we don't fall over.

HAVE YET TO DO THE WHOLE ROUTINE PROPERLY...in order, to music- etc etc.

No.

Don't panic.

Just pump yourself up.

All will be well.

After it is over.

=)

*attempts to smile*

*chuckles softly*

David's requested word - NO.

Poem for David. (As he provided the enlightening word.)

Daisy chains, daisy chains -
where has the day gone,
Quaker days of everything -
Cry into your soup.

How will we end up where.
With what.
With whom.
How the hell does it work?
Giving shit all -
to yourself.

Interferring little weasel.
Ferret faced beauty.
Cheeks of darkness,
With sweet smelling lips.

Drop your intestines,
on the classroom floor.
Let us stop here.

Daisy chains, daisy chains -
My weakest, lively link.
No more daisy chain.
It was made of weeds.
No. No. No truth.

Beautiful universe.
Don't explode yet.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Favourite Poem (at the moment)

My favourite poem is from the movie BEFORE SUNRISE.

In my opinion, the best romantic film ever made (closely followed by its sequel, which I sadly forget the title).

It's written by a pauper poet in the street. He asks the lovers for a word and they give him 'milkshake.'


Daydream delusion.
Limousine Eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet cakes and milkshakes [laughs]
I am a delusioned angel
I am a fantasy parade.
I want you to know what I think.
Don't want you to guess anymore.
You have no idea where I came from.
We have no idea where we're going.
Launched in life.
Like branches in the river.
Flowing downstream.
Caught in the current.
I'll carry you.
You'll carry me.
That's how it could be.
Don't you know me [poet hands poem back]
Don't you know me by now.


- - - - - -

As it should be. I am alone again.

NOTE - 21st June 2005. It's over. Officially. No going back now.

Life goes on.

(As the cliche goes.)

Life Cont'd.

I almost fell asleep in Modern History today.

I don't understand why.

I do my work.

I'm unentertained of course, but atleast I'm learning.

But this new found lethargy is truly amazing.

School used to be my life.

Not my grades as such. Not how well I did.

It was, what I was. In my mind - I was a highschool student.

"What do you do?"

"Eeerr...I go to highschool."

NO.

I've come to realise, I despise this. I don't want to just see myself as a student. A learner. There must be something else.

School takes up a large percentage of my life and today, in the toilets during lunch, waiting for Tuyet - I took a look around at the cold walls and realised - FRUCK.

I had started hating seeing myself as a student. That I could be more. That School shouldn't be my only preoccupation.

Then I thought about finally graduating. I've been looking forward to that concept forever. Leaving. Not having to wake up and wear the daggy uniform. Not having to walk the same stairs, same buildings, sit in the crappy blue chairs and stare at the dusty chalkboard.

Damn.

Suddenly, I'm hesitating.

Maybe, this is what cowardness is.

Disliking where you are. But not having the guts to leave it.

So High School redefined itself to me today.

It's not my life. It's a part of it.

It's not the end. It's the cliched beginning.

I'm anxious about wtf will happen to me. I hope for the best.

I think I haven't seen enough of the World to understand it fully yet.

Ways to Change the World.

Dear Ways to Change the World,

It sounds ideal really. But, to what point and purpose. Why do people want to change the world. Is it -

A) Because it's shit.

B) Because individuals can use the world to their advantage.

C) Because the World has potential and humanity is not doomed.

D) Because we are so selfish, something or someone should make an active attempt to better, the here and now situation.

E) all of the above.

Beats me.

I had a talk at work the other day - about aiming for goals and acheiving things. It triggered the advice once given to me to find a 'niche' in life. Hell no. I never want a 'niche'. To be constrained to one thing. To stay in a little slice of your comfortable world.

How can we do this.

How can we smile when the world isn't smiling with us. How can we laugh if the universe is pissing itself off.

It's pathetic. That's what this is. This whole blog is a pathetic excuse at trying to come to grips with reality. Maybe a reality I do not want to face. Maybe this time and place is not where I should be. How can you hate and love something. How can you help an enemy.

It's opposites. Again with contradiction.

Light and dark. Happy and sad. Simple and complex. Sense. Of what? Of nothing. Of nature. Of reason. Of truth. Beauty? What the hell does beauty have to do with anything. Nothing or everything. Maybe it's a grey...

Then it stops.
Maybe for a split second.
Maybe for a few days.

It's back to caring.

Back to giving a shit about how you look. What you aim for. Where you want to be.
How you talk. How you act.

You care.

You don't care.

It's a pot of selifishness I drown in. In a cauldron, that is life.

MOVING ON...

Quote from 'The Perils of Progress' by John Ashton & Ron Laura.

"The picture is clear. Through modern technology we have turned one of nature's oldest and most important whole foods, wheat, into a precursor for disease."

Now I want to eat bread. But at the back of my mind, I know it'll kill me one day.

Politics.

I can't seem to fully comprehend how some people can idolise actors, singers...models.

It's great they use their looks and talents, but really - I can't seem to drive myself to be that obbsessed. How the HELL can Michael Jackson, or even U2 compare to say...Simon Bolivar, Marx, CHE GUEVARA...LENIN?!

Politics. I'd choose politics over singing, dancing...it's on an equal footing with reading though. I've come to an amost 'cross-roads' in my life. No matter how much I admire Ghandi...I can't help to still admire Che. No matter how much I may dislike things Stalin did, I can't help buy read Marx and think...well - thinkers and do-ers. Can I even be both?

I never want IDEALISM to die. I never want to give into what has bee handed to me. I actually want to fight. But for what? For what purpose.

I have people thinking the meaning to life is money, materialistic possessions, happiness and on the other spectrum suffering and then...some people say NOTHING.

That leaves me where?!

Either I believe in something. Or I don't. Or I'm a hypocrit. Or we think too much. Maybe this idealism or thinking or doing is what evolves the World. Or maybe it's what slowly degrades it. Maybe we WOULD be happier unevolved and in caves. Maybe human suffering can never be solved.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Left-wing. Right-wing. In the middle.
Think of history for the future?!

Change the World. How. Why. What. When. Where.

Make a difference? For who? For yourself...for others?!

All this (+ more) has me sitting in front of the computer doing my modern history assignment and just thinking. Whoa. People have done this. They've been bothered. They've tried. They didn't die in vain. They did something. It's inspirational and depressing at the same time.

It proves how WE - the individual will sit back and read these things and then...think - what about me? WTF am I doing. There must be something more than this chaos of everyday life. Real perspective shaker.

So yes. One day I hope I can sit back and think I have done something. Maybe I won't even do something big. Maybe it'll be pathetic. Or end in tragedy. But at least I did it.

Practice, Practice, Practice...(not really.)

Tommorow I have to give my ancient history presentation on Tiberius Gracchus.

Wow. It even sounds so DRY.

I've attempted to make him sound interesting, really I have - but I doubt anyone will be listening. Don't get me wrong, I like public speaking - but not when I'm being assessed and marked. I'd love to just walk up on a stage and rattle on about what I believe or what I think - heck - that sounds fun.

But not this.

Not this bland speech on Tiberius Gracchus (who mind you, isn't such a bad guy). I've tried to make my voice sound captivating. So I'm going to wing this and hope people just notice the way I'm saying things rather than the driblle I will be saying.

Now that my paranoia at failing has been placated, moving on...

- - - - - - - - -

Quote for today -
"Artists can colour the sky red because they know it's blue. The rest of us, who aren't artists, must colour things the way they really are, or people might think we're stupid."

- Jules Feiffer, from 'Crawling Arnold.'

Which brings me to the point - I hate having to colour within the lines.

- - - - - - - -

I dislike daylight savings. I really, really do. It gets dark at around 5ish pm. It's gloomy. So it doesn't matter if I'm partying in my head - I'll take a look outside and realise the world has gone dark without me.

So when it's morning, I'll be awake before the sun even rises (on a good day). I don't like this. I don't want to have to wake up to night. I wake up because, I wish it to be day. Damn you Sun. Screw it. I'll flick a few lights on.

It's getting colder. This gets to me also. The depth of winter in Australia might not sound that daunting - but hell it's a change from the dry blissful heat of Summer. You walk outside and once, I used to love the smack of cold air on my face. Now I despise it. How dare it smack me in the face. This gets to me because I can't slap it back. So yes, I will whinge all Winter.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Another list of words I happen to like -

- Cellar.
- Trivial.
- For sure.
- Incorporated.
- LIGER.

List of words I happen to dislike -
- Two-Legged.
- Tipsy.
- Republic.
- Decantor.

- - - - - - -

*scampers off*

Must be off!

Back again.

So yes, the attempting to do work thing hasn't really worked out. No problem, tis a LONG weekend.

So my quote for today...

"I'm not the only person in the world who's trying to figure out why shit happens."
Jenny Pausacker from the Book Sundogs.

I thought I'd write a letter to Africa today. Not because I'm a racist prat. Or because I'm bored. Because I just want to.

Dear Africa,

I prayed for you last night. I don't know who too, but I did. Then I asked, in my silent prayer - why I had chosen to pray for you. Was it beacuse I had stereotyped an entire continent, thinking you would need my lousy prayer? Hell yes I did. Have I really conformed to set stricture thinking that since it's Africa...It must need prayer. Hell yes. So for that, I apologise now. I'm sorry I was so pig-headed and prayed for you without asking.

It's truly pathetic. My prayer would never have fed an adult (or a child for that matter). It would not have stopped the spread of disease. Would it have made you feel a little better? I'll never know. So then I thought I'd pray for Asia. I kicked myself mentally then. Silly. Silly. Silly. I screamed at myself to get the hell to sleep and stop praying. Wake up tommorow I said. Be grateful for what you have tommorow.

So yes, I went to sleep mentally kicking myself. I woke up this morning and it was back to normal. Same self-centered me. I did everything for me today. I promised myself I'd live tommorow for life. For something else other than me. Can we really not be that selfish? Cynics will try and pull those who do down. So anyway, back on topic - I told myself tommorow. So Africa, do you say that? Do you say 'Tommorow things will look up?' I'm asking because I think, how the hell should I know.

Maybe tommorow will look up. But sorry to tell everyone, aren't we all living for today? So I guess that's it. Tommorow I'll live for the next day and the next and the next. So hopefully if I keep living for the future, it won't be as bleak as the World tells me it is.

Sorry Africa, for nagging at you. I hope you'll consider what I said and you know, live for tommorow. That kinda goes for any other continent bothering to read this.

- Bianca.

What a productive day (in my opinion.)

So the breakdown of my day...

Wake up. Work. Ayse's place for practice. Homework + Internet (now).

So far, how the dancing thng is going -

We have moves. I'm glad we got those. Except now e need timing AND a routine where we fit everything in. That is, with the music of course. So right now there are THREE possibilities as to how this whole thing will work out. We go fine, not that spectacular but decent. We go great and people actually clap for us. Or we laugh and fail. Either way - it's still an experience right...right?!

So I thought I'd review something else today. For today's review I shall be commenting on foods that in my mind,compliment each other perfectly.

* TURKISH BREAD and ORANGE JUICE. Why? Because the fluffiness of the bread is uber tasty, but is comlimented by a swish of acid near the end. Also the OJ stops your mouth from drying.

* ENGLISH MUFFINS with BLACKBERRY JAM and RICOTTA CHEESE. Why?... Why not?! The jam and cheese comliment each other as the jam is sweet and the cheese is smooth and cool. Chew slowly and let the flavours combine.

* FRESHLY CUT ORANGES, SALT (on the oranges) and GRAPE JUICE. Why? Because after you suck on the orange, which is smeared with salt and take a swigg of grape juice...it's a party in your mouth.

* JALEPENOS, SUNDRIED TOMATO, MUSTARD and LETTUCE. Why? Because it makes a salad...a really good one at that. Just ignore the fact the mustard makes it look like vomit.

Are the previous food healthy for you?
Heck yes they are. They cover sweet and savoury. Which in truth, you can divde all foods into. Therefore strike a balance and you've got a healthy diet.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Well, I REALLY must get a move on with this pile of school work sitting in front of me.

*scampers off*

- Bianca.

So Far...So-So?

LETTER TO THE WORLD.

Dear World,

Will you screw us over in the end? It seems such an odd concept. Because many of us will try and bend the world, try and possibly screw it - for what? Well, for ourselves to be honest. So then, why is it such a devasting thing for the World to screw us over? Maybe because it means the World is being selfish.

But really, is it the World? Could nature really be against all of us. Wha about humanity? Do you think that's it?! It's not the World. It's humanity which thrives within it. Wow. So it's one big conspiracy under our noses. Or is it? But that means if humanity is out to get us, then who has out backs, the fish? Maybe...

Thanks alot World. Or humanity. Look what you've done. You've made me question everything again. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it means I'm actually thinking. About what? The laughing of existence of course. Or has the laughter turned into crying? I'll never know until I get a reply.

Sincerely,

Bianca (Citizen of Earth).

My day in short.

Wake-up. School. Home. Out. Home. Work. Home.

How productive does that sound? Yeah I thought so...

Let me begin by saying- my legs hurt from having to stretch and try and do that Ciara thingy Tuyet was trying to teach everyone at the Youth Centre today. Secondly, I shall take a moment to count all by bruises. Twelve is the lucky number for today.

A list of things I have to get done by Tuesday next week -
- Speech for ancient history.
- Modern history homework.
- Buy sticks and hats.
- English homework.
- Economics homework.

How, a list of things I shall attempt (to the best of my ability) to do -
- Modern history speech.
- English speech.
- Fix legal workbook.
- Buy new jeans.

Wow. This has really helped me get things in perspective.

Moving on...

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
BIANCA'S LATEST BOOK REVIEW (yes, it is as lame as it sounds.)

Title - Candy.
Author - Luke Davis.
Genre - Adult fiction, Drama.
Reader 'warnings' (interests also) - Drugs. Lots of drugs. Swearing. A fair bit of that too. Innuendo.

Why people should bother to read it -
Provides a humorous and at the same time, frighteningly truthful account of a couple's existence as heroin users. Also, there is a detailed recount on how to freebase cocaine. Fictional of course...

What's it about (basically) -
A guy and a girl. The guy is a druggie. He gets the girl hooked on smack. Seemingly 'typical' situation, they use, have to feed their habit - they don't have enough money. Girl gos into working at brothels and then escorts. A few fights. Love. Possibly drug induced love. Up to the readers interpretation. Also, it manages to actually be thought provoking and touching.

Out of 10?
Definately an 8.

Other comments -
A good read when depressed. Although it may make you feel more blue, have patience and read till the end.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

QUOTE of MY DAY -

"Man is a very uneveolved species compared to the animals. We don't deny of course, your cleverness, your considerable potential. But you are, as yet, at an early stage of your development. We, for instance, are always ourselves: that is what it means to be evolved."

From Julian Barnes 'A History of The World in 10 and 1/2 Chapters.' From the presepective of a worm.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Till next I blog - Adieu.

Just working something out.

=) Ignore this.









That means stop reading.

The Beginning of a Beautiful Ramble

To the World.

I have decided (along with some divine help) I need a healthy outlet- what for, I am yet to find out. This will serve as a distraction. I really self-centered, whiny, lamenting distraction. Sounds brilliant already.

A list of things that make me slightly content and/or smile -
- Avocados.
- Seeing exclamations on a page.
- People who feed pigeons.
- Clouds that look like elephants.
- A tankful of swimming goldfish.
- Combing wet hair.

A list of things that make me slightly peeved or annoyed -
- Walking into a room and sitting onan already warm chair.
- Stepping on pieces of mandarine. Squishy.
- The cold.
- Dirt under my finger nails.

Word I like at the moment -
- Emphasise.

Word I dislike at the moment -
- Discuss.

Currently listening to - Set Phasers to Stun by Taking Back Sunday.

I wrote another poem today, it's rather disturbing, as it doesn't rhyme.

- - - -

The garden flowers -
pretty and pruned,
tried to have a converstaion with me the other day.
But being the fool I was,
I didn't know how to respond.

There's a madness,
That I can't seem to undertstand.
Doe sthat make me sane,
Or does it make the madness -
sane.

So forever,
Or as long as it will be -
These questions will never stop.

So next time,
I talk to the garden flowers,
maybe I'll have a response,
or else their pollen faces,
will twist in disgust.

- - - -