Peanuts and Stalkers.

Currently at Sally's place. Supposed to be doing my work, but lacking motivation.

Eating her peanuts out of a large jar. mmmmmm.

Had so much fun in Modern History today. The group Sir put me in...brilliant. David showed us a real name he had seen on someones licence - Jer Min Kok. Beautiful. It really linked to our group work because we're working on an assignment based on Germany before 1914.

Today has been a 'good' day so far.

Sally is behind me asking me what this is. She's also eating peanuts.

Weekend Sunshine.

It's the weekend once again. To hell with time managment.

I went driving today with my Dad. He finds a new word to describe my driving everytime I take the car out for a spin. Today it was 'abrupt.'

We just went to Flemington Markets for veges and fruit. I insisted on buying fresh coconut again. I love them. Also, Erin's got me addicted to pineapple and because of Sally's mum feeding me these mini sweet potato thingy's last year, I always buy and boil them for dinner. We bought sugar bananananas to, the bad thing is, if they're not browny-ripe they taste all powdery/starchy, leaving a dry and dusty aftertaste.

Dad was hunting for some cuttlefish and I sauntered off towards the fruit stands. It was then I heard a familiar voice saying -
"Bianca? Bianca?" I looked at the ageing Asian lady in front of me. It took me a few seconds to register it was one of my good friend's from primary schools Mother. We used to live on the same street and her daughter and I used to ride bikes together. She commented on how grown-up I looked and I asked, "How's Jessica doing?" She answered all the typicals and told me they had moved houses, how her youngest son was doing, how she saw my Mum, how was I doing at school etc etc.

I really liked Jessica's Mother. No. Why is it past tense? I really like Jessica's Mother. I'm ashamed I can't remember her first name though. She was so friendly to me when I was younger. She used to help walk me home when my Mum was at work and She used to give me free oranges and apples. I'm flattered she still even remembers my name and bothered to recognise me in a crowded marketplace.

I asked for her daughter's mobile number. She then said her goodbyes and went off to do her shopping.

I stopped then.

I wondered why I had not even bothered to contact her daughter, honestly one of the few people from primary school I can honestly say - I truly liked at the time I left the school. So now I'm sitting her just reminiscing as you do. Asking rhetorical questions and so on.

It's really hitting home that time will not stop for me. Ever.

Jess' Mother looked older and more tired. Her smile was still the same though. I wonder now what she thought when she saw me. Was she happy to see I had grown up? Did it shatter the image she held of me as a young girl running up and down the street with her daughter? Will I by chance meet people from my life now and think of them as strangers in the future?

How people come in and out of life and probably never really stay.

I haven't called up Jess yet. I think I'll just text her. I had no clue what I was going to say to her when I first started typing. Now I have a rough idea. I think the text will start off like this -

"Remember me? It's Bianca..."

Fruit Looping.

Been working on my modernism essay.

Classes aren't as entertaining as they used to be. I'm happy to report it takes me seven large steps to reach Ancient History from Economics.

Rachele and Amanda decided (with my suggestion) to make me a skirt to wear to cruise. I was going for pants...but I've always wanted one of the skirts they're willing to design.

This conclusion was reached after a lunch-time discussion over Amanda's choice of model for her DAT assignment - me =). She asked me to model her dress because she was about to ask Sally, but concluded Sally's skin wouldn't match the colour of the dress. She roughly showed me the design and I consented, nodding my head. Rachele will be my stylist and probably photographer. hahahahahahahhaha - it sounds like fun already.

I have work tonight and I must add I'm so proud - I ate two whole bowls of fruit loops. I love fruit loops. So colourful and sugary.

Strawberries and Cream.

It's getting sunnier. I like it.

Yet again, a silently-painful-routine-based-day. Went to work. Home.

Out of sheer boredom, called Sally to ask if we can do somethign tonight. Lucky me, we're going bowling. It's a personal motivator. If I do some school work now, I can go out later. Hah. It works. Truly, it does.

Last night was fun. Me and Erin just cooked ourselves some dinner and watched DVD's. Watched Shaun of the Dead. Haaahahahahahahaha - That's the only intellectual thing I can say about it. We also knocked over The Mexican. I liked Brad Pitt in it, his character was charming, yet still rough enough to not be a pansy. Then, after Erin had attempted to play guitar and sucking up moisturiser in syringes was no longer fun, I showed Erin the basic steps of Salsa and Samba. It wasn't as fagotty as it sounds. I think we spoke in 'I, 1, 2, 3, 4's' for a while. 'No, it's 1 and 2.' 'What about 3 and 4?' etc etc.

1...
2...
3...
4...

*poof*

Red Nails and Cold Feet. It's a Spiral.

Hello Myself.

It's only midday and I've already...slowed down? For lack of a better phrase.

I've been working on my Modernism assignment and this specturm of thoughts is not even really a spectrum any more. It's a hazy mist of ideas that clings to the glass windows and when you try and snatch them, they melt against your palm and you end up with a fragment of what could have been.

Ms. Repin said this assignment would 'expand your mind' and truthfully, it's done much-frucken-more than that. It's shaken. Turned. Evaporated. Heated. Froze. Jump-started. Pissed off. Red eyed and clenched fist ---------

It's been fun.

It's pitless torment is comforting. Time is all that matters now. These concept-shroud-boundaries of time and 8.30am deadlines.

Every second of this week has radiated with a literary devoid ghostly sense of something that can not be coherently expressed. It twists, engulfs and consumes my so-called-spirit which has been breathed into me by some greater entity. It's crippling and motivating. I don't even think it's really an it. Maybe IT is me and ME is something that isn't really me but my thought of me. Let alone my thoughts but this thought.

An experience or flash of impression.

The Motorcycle Diaries.

Pretty typical week.

Routine based and simple.

Went back to dance classes on Wednesday. Looking forward to going again next week.

On Thursday me and Erin went to the Hope Cafe for the sake of just going. I'mcraving their wedges again. So to remedy the situation, we've decided to try and go weekly or fortnightly, if at all possible. We also rented The Motorcycle Diaries(finally) and watched it at my place at night. Erin thoughtfully brought pineapple. Sweet, sweet pineapple...

I really enjoyed the movie. I liked the portrayal of a 'hero's journey' and how it focuses on Che Guevara before he becomes a communist-fighter. The building up of characters to the point where you can truly empathise with them was brilliant. I particularly liked how Ernesto, or Fuser as he's nicknamed in the movie - identifed the 'injustice' he had seen during his journey. The movie had its humourous moments where we laughed loudly. But it nevertheless portrayed Ernesto's 'personal growth' through his exposure to the 'big bad world'. The acting was up to par (maybe even above it) also. Movies like this one never fail to remind me to not disregard the individual in comparison to the masses, to keep in mind you live on the inside (your mind) and the outside (the world) and most of all, that idealism is not as naive and pathetic as cliches and stereotypes label it to be

Rhetorical questions have - engulfed me. I don't understand anymore. What's more is, I don't even know if I want to.

I Will Crumble.

The first day of Term Three.

Last Term before Yr 12.

Nothing eventful happened today. It was achingly average.

First period was Ancient History. Currently studying the Romans.

Second was English Extension. Ms. Repin went around the room and asked everyone's opinion on The Once and Future King. Almost everyone commented on how long winded it was. She should have given us time to comment/whinge about the Modernism Essay also. That would have been good.

Third was Modern History. We got back our assessment marks. I'm pleased with mine. I always say it and dammit, I'll say it again - I'll try harder next time.

Then it was lunch and sport selection. Now I'm sitting here eaching lyches for lunch.

What was a little interesting today was learning about the 'hero' in English Extension. How some guy wrote a book on the basic ideas os the 'hero' and how these are universal. How heroes are the expression of the "collective unconscious" of mankind. That was good to know I suppose.

I have work tonight. I have school work to do now. I'm just saying that really, I know I'll end up doing very little today.

I find it hard to just read outloud in class. Today in history and english I was asked to read. It was hard, not because I'm illiterate, not because I've lost my voice - I just didn't enjoy. I could barely bring myself to talk to most people today and even when I did, it was the typical stuff you say.
'How was your holidays.'
'Really? What else did you do?'
'Can I please borrow your...'
'I'm going to my locker.'
'Who wants to go canteen?'
'See you tommorow.'

Head Explosions.

Went to Cabra today with Mother.

I wanted to just buy a pair of el-cheapo pants I could use out all the time. No such luck. I couldn't find anything I fancied.

However, we did go fruit and vege shopping. I love doing that. I guess it might be the gatherer in me. Or my real nativeness coming through. I made her buy me young coconuts, star fruit, those large grape fruit things that start with P and a load of custard apples. She also bought these weird fruits she remembers foundly from her childhood in the Philz. I feel sick now. When I try and eat large amounts I get sick and feel like vomitting. Maybe I am coming down with something.

My parents got me paranoid about my heater now. They said since I always have it on in my room its depleting the supply of oxygen. Mother then went on about how since I'm aneamic (I can't even spell that) or whatever, I'm prone to getting headaches and then Dad went on about me looking deranged and ill. All this stemming from me asking where all the Panadol went.

I dislike the cold. I really, really do.

Back. Again.

I'm a liar.

How could I stop blogging.

I was irritable. Now I'm bored.

So really, I can't stop blogging.

Went to the city today. I read more than half of The Joy Luck Club waiting for the train and on the train ride there. Just walked around and blew off some steam.

I finally bought the poster I wanted for my room. The nice guy at the store gave me a discount for no reason. He made me smile.

I walked by some stonned-off-this world guys, clinging onto their girlfriends. There were like four pairs like that. The girlfriends just took it, helped them stay up and limp-walk to whatever direction they were telling them to go.

I was walking around and when I walked by some mirrors I saw my face. Scowling. Lil Miss Pissy. So I tried to look more friendly and smile. Didn't work.

I gave a sigh of relief today.

I saw the Man sitting in front of McDonald's this evening. He's still there. Sitting and waiting. I'll always give him something when I walk by him. One day I'll have the guts to ask him if anything else happened on that Monday night. I walked towards the station, stopped myself and looked back.

I couldn't see passed the crowd of people. I stopped and waited until the crowd thinned. He still sat there, shaking almost from the cold. I couldn't stand it. I turned around and walked away. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

Onward Into the Frost or Sun, Maybe then Nature Will Stop Laughing.

I can't stand anything anymore.

I'm going to stop blogging for a while. I can't be bothered anymore.

Lemon Tea and Tissue Box.

Officially sick.

Went Holla again last night and it was more fun than last time. So cold outside though. Bbbbrrrrrr.

Also watched Fantastic Four with Lim and Tuyet. Pretty good, although I sense a sequel coming up. Thanx too Lim we got 3 buck tix!

Tommorow is my Mums Birthday. I feel bad, I haven't got her anything. She already bought the bag she really wanted. I'm out of ideas (and money). I think I'll just buy her flowers.

I've been writing alot lately. I like that. I don't have anything I really want to say right now.

Damned Windy Day.

Another typical day.

Wake up. Work. Home.

Watched Team America (finally) yesterday. It was hilarious. The plot line was so intricate and the development of the characters so meaningful...enough to make me want to cry.

I'm craving watermelon. I bought some yesterday. Ate almost half of it. I can't really be bothered standing up and cutting some. Dammit.

I want a camera. So I can begin making documentaries - on what, I don't exactly know - but it should be fun.

So a list of movies I (currently) like - reasons vary for each -

- Y Tu Mama Tambien: with Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal.

- El Crimen Del Padre Amaro: with Gael Garcia Bernal.

- Amores Perros: with Gael Garcia Bernal.

- Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights: with Diego Luna.

- The Sleeping Dictionary: with Jessica Alba and Hugh Dancy.

- Fight Club: with Brad Pitt, Edward Norton and Helena Bonham Carter.

- Tuck Everlasting: with...the girl from Gilmore Girls (damn I forgot her name)...Jessica...?

- Once Upon A Time In Mexico: with Johnny Depp, Salma Hayeck(sp?) and Antonio Banderas.

- Beavis and Butthead Do America.

- ExistenZ: with Jude Law.

I'm sure there's more...I'll remember later.

Squishy Baked Pumpkin.

I haven't done much today. I don't really aim to do anything really. (But) If I finish off a few loose bits of homework I'll be happy.

The holidays are going by quickly. One more term and then Year 12. Nope. Still hasn't hit me 'fully' yet.

I was looking at 'old' photos, of us in blue school shirts. The tag of a junior. Looks weird. I like our white shirts. I wish the canteen sold salads.

I'm definately getting sick. My eyes are watery and itchy. But I also feel naseous.

Never had that combination before.

I've been watching more re-runs of Dark Angel episodes. I like her hair. I need to get my hands on Alias episodes. Anyone?

I haven't written a letter to anyone or anything in ages. I think I'll go off now and attempt to write one. Purely for entertainment value.

*makes chugga-chugga train noises* I Think I Can, I Think I Can...

I think my internal 'clock' must have a scew loose or something. Last night I told myself, 'wake up at 7.30.' I jumped on the ground for added drama and then climbed into bed.

I woke up to the smell of disgusting fish cooking, (thank you Mum) at 10.30.

Nothing exciting happened today. It was so typical, I ran around in circles in the backyard to just try and make myself feel better.

I made pancakes out of flour, desicated coconut and soy milk. It tasted alright.

I feel sick right now. I think I might be coming down with something. Virus maybe. I feel like I want to hurl. My eyes are itchy.

Not nice at all.

______>

Wishing tree, wishing tree –
Tell me the truth.
You wish the fountain over there,
Be urinated in by drunkards.

Wishing tree, wishing tree –
I ask you a favour.
I’ll whisper it into your branches,
And for what little I have –
Please make it come true.

The pavement is cracking.
So that the grass peeks through,
Charming as ever.
The carpet is fraying,
My shoes are dirty again.
Outside, the weeds are climbing.
I need fairy-dust to survive.

Wishing tree, wishing tree –
It was a cold day.
Maybe the fountain will freeze over.

Sickly Sweet.

I love the holidays.

I tried to read a book for english extension.

I ended up napping for two hours.

Woke up in time for dinner.

Over-ate and ended up doubled over in pain, watching Dark Angel episodes.

I can't shake off something. I'm not in my comfort zone anymore.

I don't even think I ever had one.

Damn you non-existent comfort zone.

Tuyet's Birthday!

Happy 17th Tuyet!

Today was her birthday party and in short...it was a blast!

We're such lame lil cookies.

I guess the fact we're slowly, but surely, growing up - is a little daunting and all of us maybe (secretely) wanted to relive experiences long gone. Like pass-the-parcel. Musical-chairs. Truth or Dare. hahahahahha...today was mad fun.

Abbass got cake on his face. Sally got tomato sauce all over her shirt. Chris bit me. I bit him back. There were fairy wings. Hazel, Kevin and me probably lived off bread and mandarines all day =).

We all threw balloons at each other. Sang happy birthday, as was appropraite of course.

Cake. Lot's of cake.

As a dare Tuyet and Deb had to eat mandarines with the skin.

Lim and me had to eat two seperate pots of salsa. Being the idiot I am, I picked up the hotter pot of tomato glup. The jalepeno's got to me by the end of it.

We watched footage of talent quest. *Rolls about laughing*

We watched snippets of 'The Sleeping Dictionary.' The males in the room appreciated Jessica Alba.

I can't believe Tuyet was worried no one would have any fun. It was great alot of us could get together and just hang out, chill and act hypo. Like we forgot about highschool and responsibilty for a few hours.

Ended up getting a lift to Cabra station with Tuyet's Sis. Thank you so much for that! The damn bus was on a funky time schedule.

On the way home, I picked up some black sesame paste. That's some damn good stuff. *licks lips*

I really must get a move on my Modernism essay. I really, really, really must.

I was reading 'The Once and Future King' (which Ms. Repin so evilly gave to me - well, all of us suffering english extension students,) and I smiled at the thought that these are going to be my high-school memories. I realised this after I read Merlyn's little speech about 'time'.

I've had a good day so far.

My Toes Hurt.

Went to Holla last night.

(Let me euphemise)

It wasn't what I expected.

So, Sally - being the group director for the night - found another hip hop dance party at Hunter and said she'd shout us. Such a sweetie. She was giving me a lecture on 'buying experiences' and how to 'make the most of things' because at first I protested. Amanda didn't want to leave without me. Tuyet wanted me to stay. *looks about confused*

In the end, we motored and headed off to find this 'better' dance.

We got lost. Out of sheer frustration and my smart-arse comments, Sally bit my arm and then quickly continued walking. Finally we found the place and it was ssssooo much better.

Manda and me promised to dance dance dance. Bready was impressive with his uber cool foot movement to trance. Sally danced about and we kept on going. The booty shakin comp was a dissapointment. It consisted of this chick wiggling about, waving her arms about madly and another one doing the jellyfish. her outfit was nice though.

I (literally) was thelast one dancing by the end of it. They sat in front of me and just stared into space while I jumped about. I refused to stop dancing until I heard 'loose control' and then I just went off.

I don't get some people. They go to dance party's.

Are they illiterate?

Can't they comprehend that dance party's soul purpose is for dance?

Why then do they stand about looking all hard core (and I use that term very loosely). I understand if they dance for a bit and then stop because they're tired,or want a break, a drink or just to chat to friends. But why the hell go if all you'll do is stand there all night.

Nevertheless, I had fun and would just like to say a big thanks to Sally, Amanda and of course Bready too.

Also, so sorry Tuyet for not dancing like crazy with you! I'll make it up to you soon =).

Clap If You Wish.

Excellencies, delegates and honoured guests.
This is not a fight to the death. In all honestly, fights to the death are pathetic. Fights should be aimed at living. I am appalled at the state of circumstances surrounding the recent events. You spout these egalitarian beliefs but it is such a shame this society does not have the courage of convictions.
What I see, which in reality - should not even be hard to see - is a veil of misted half-truths. They have spouted such admirable beliefs and what is more, that is all has been done. In practice, it is an atrocious cover up. We have been given false hope. That false hope will mutate into such conviction to achieve things even greater, that what we stand for will transform drastically. Or you can falter. You can stop this in your mind. Take a step back and relax those tired feet. Stand still and rot. But smell only roses.

(To be finished later.)

Fruit Loops.

Oregano pizzas + Fruit Loops. My food heaven.

I went shopping yesterday. Go consumerism *cheer leader voice* goooooo see-oh-en-you-em-eeh-are-aye-ess-em!

Impulse bought a top, bangles and bag. *hangs head in shame*

First OFFICIAL day of the holidays.

I haven't done any school work. It feels fantastic. But at the same time, I feel guilty for being so...unproductive.

Ah well.

Can't win em all.

DVD Afternoon.

During my sulk at home, I watched -

- Deck Dogz.
- The Sleeping Dictionary.
- Drive Me Crazy.

Call me lame, but I like all of them. Why?

DECK DOGZ - Is a wonderfully made Aussie flick, which has heaps of interesting film techniques. It's funny and I especially like the Viet guy's acting in it. Although I think it was trying to push the fact 'skaters' are so bad-ass, still, can't blame them for trying.

THE SLEEPING DICTIONARY - Touching and extremely frustrating. Prejudice be damned. 'Sleeping Dictionaries' was the term used, for a native woman, who was assigned to an English officer in order to bed him and teach him the language. Sounds like such a male-based concept.

DRIVE ME CRAZY - It's quirky. A laid back, teen flick from the 90's. There is a plot. It stereotypes. It ends with a school dance. So typical you gotta love it.


The smell I would most like to smell right now, would have to be...

PANCAKES.

The flower I'd most like to see right now, would have to be...

LAVENDER with some of those stripped willow branches.

What I would rather be doing right now than just sitting here, would have to be...

ICE SKATING.

If I had to pick one cereal to live off for the ret of my life, that cereal would have to be...

FRUIT LOOPS.






Quote of my day -

"Don't you know that most people take most things because that's what's given to them, and they have no opinion whatever? Do you wish to be guided by what they expect you to think they think or by your own judgement?"

- From The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

I ate an apple pie on the way home.

I'm peeved at the moment.

I went shopping and then had to stop over at Cheso for stuff. My Dad and Sister said they were going to go check out the prices for bowling - they 'planned' to go later.

So I go off on my own, pick up the stuff I need - get back to the car in 20ish minutes - which was the allocated time frame. I wait for a bit, get tired of waiting and call my Dad. 'We're bowling, just come'. Nothing.

I told them I didn't want to go bowling. Told them I want to go home. Screw it. I begin the 20minute walk home - apple pie in my hand of course.

They don't seem to give a shit I haven't turned up bowling. They don't even call to check up where I am. They call FINALLY when they WANT to go home. I don't pick up of course.

When they come home, with some of our relations...they're all smiles. I can't give a flying shit what they feel like. After ringing the doorbell over and over, I give in - storm out of my room and open the damn door. My Dad walks in my room and hands me the bags of stuff I bought and had left in the car.

'Go outside and say hello' -
I tell him not to even start with me and give him a glare.

I can't stand how sometimes they give a shit about where I am and what I do. They say they're giving me limits and crap. Then, they do shit like this and don't even give a shit where I am or what I want. They give a crap when it suits them.

Then my sister comes in my room and tells me off for being rude in front of people.

Well, it was a little rude blwoing me off and going bowling when they said they weren't. Conveniently forgetting I wanted to go home, so that all of them could have some fun.

It's a lil lame that this pisses me off.
A lil lame that they can dare tell me off and give me dirties because of something they initiated.
A lil lame that I'm still immature enough to rant on about it.

But hell, it's a lil frikken lame that this even happened.

SHOUT OUTZ.

Emily's Blog has inspired me to make my own thank you's and what not to all the PHAT KREW and all those people (in my lame opinion, helped).

So too the PHAT KREW.

Gentlemen can go first.

LIM - aaawww, ur adorable and you know it. You're full of ideas and you keep the group flowing. Lim is to Phat Krew as Monkey is too Bannana. If that makes sense.

JOHNNY - hehehehehe...that's how you laugh, seriously. You're laid-backness really helps everyone keep cool. Sauve like 007, minus the fagotty accent - spanx you for being my partner. *high five*.

PAI - speechless. not really...you're how when you feel like trying, let's leave it at that. *pats you on the back* and uumm uumm...when you smile the whole world is much brighter?! lol...that killed it.

Now the Ladies.

JENNIE (I remembered the IE) - *jumps about* keep up the good work.

KARINA (hope i spelt that right) - one word to describe ur style...funky - in the most stylin' way possible! Ur friendly nature is a major plus. =)

AYSE - Aaaaaww, you shook that ass good *high five*. Ur a lame cookie and we'll save the routine you taught us for another time ;).

EMILY - I don't care if ppl say ur an abo :p...you're a talented hunny who is diplomatic but still a charmer. =p Remeber to tell ur grand kids about this!

CATHERINE - aaawww lil kitty CAT has grown up. You were hot today. *pokes ur stomach* That's for not believeing in urself enough ;). Without you and Tuyet, I prolly would never have joined. Thanx for that!

TUYET - last but not friggen least. You're a special lil pumpkin. You'll go far. You're so totally opposite too me I can't help but respect you. *secret handshake* which we'll work on later...

NOW TO EVERYONE ELSE!

Amanda + Rachele - Thank you for the sign darrllinnggss and for actually believing we could do it.

Plus too all my special gurls (you know who you all are) - *jumps about* thanx for not tellin me off for not hangingout that much these last few weeks. You guys are understanding and uber sweet.

Special mention to Patricia - thanx for feeling nervous for us today :p.

Thanx to all the boiz who held up the signs. That was some damn fine HOLDING.

Selvana - you're my inspiration ;) (in the lamest sense possible)

And to everyone else who is bothering to read this,

PEACE OUT and spanx too you!

End of Days.

The Phat Crew came second.

We lost by what? half a point...needed one more to get first.

I'm grateful we got top three.

But still...I can't help but feel down.